Fear and Love
Moreton Bay Fig Tree, Balboa Park, San Diego, CA
“Hatred and bitterness can never cure the disease of fear; only love can do that. Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illumines it.”
—Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., “Antidotes for Fear” from his book Strength to Love (1963)—a draft of this powerful sermon is available online here
Fear can be an ally, an alert, an alarm. A call to action: Fight back! Run away! Freeze in place! Or, in the less well-known “tend and befriend” stress response, fear can impel us to shelter children and other vulnerable ones and to reach out for connection. When a 6.8 magnitude quake jolted the earth south of Seattle in February, 2001, I was meeting with a group of other women in a basement conference room. We crouched under the table as the seismic waves rolled the floor, every one of us thinking: Where are my children right now? Are they safe?
Fear can also be a thief. It can steal sleep, peace, well-being. It can cause us to give away freedom, to “obey in advance,” as Timothy Snyder warns in his book On Tyranny: Twenty Lessons from the Twentieth Century.
Anxiety arises in reaction to a theoretical or potential threat. Not the actual earthquake that I experienced, for example, but a fear that the Big One will hit someday. When anxiety becomes chronic, it can be hard to discern what triggers it. One lives in a constant state of nervous system arousal.
Given the world we are living in, fear and anxiety are normal human reactions. What will actually happen when Donald Trump is sworn in as President on Monday, Jan. 20? What is already taking place is bad enough. But a high level of sustained anxiety is harmful to our physical, emotional, and mental health. It prevents us from being present with what is happening right here, right now and responding as well as we could.
Effective ways for me to manage anxiety include meditation and breathing, medications and supplements, exercise, therapy, spending time with loved ones, talking with myself in a kinder way, spending time in nature, connecting with others to take positive action for change. Lately, I have struggled. It feels as if structures and beliefs that have buoyed me for years are breaking down. Sometimes I can’t find solid ground. I know countless others are struggling as well.
Love is an antidote to fear. Scientific research bears out this truth that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. spoke and wrote about half a century ago. These two powerful emotions evolved together and are deeply interrelated in our human biology and chemistry. Oxytocin, also called the “love hormone,” promotes birth, lactation, and bonding between mother and child; it is also involved in many aspects of human behavior and interaction, including sex, physical affection, trust, and social connection. Oxytocin is critical to the brain’s ability to control fear.
The first task, and perhaps the hardest, is to love ourselves no matter what. With all our mistakes and blind spots. Then we can offer that love to others, spreading it out like seismic waves from the epicenter of a quake. Our adversaries have schooled us well to fear and hate. When we focus on those emotions, we play their game, a game rigged for them to win every time.
When the earthquake shook us in 2001, I protected myself first, then reached out to others I love. We can strengthen that love within our families and communities and spread it beyond to others who share this shaking earth with us. If we do so, we will all be more likely to emerge still standing when the shaking stops.